When the Fear Subsides
by Lilbit
Summary: Max has a seizure and ends up in bed with Logan


When the Fear Subsides  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Author's Notes: I have had this stuck in my head for a while now. I hope you enjoy it, and if you would like I will be happy to continue it. Please read and review.  
  
Disclaimer: I'm not the guy who raised the Titanic, and I don't own Max, Logan, or anyone else I might use in this story.  
  
  
It was after midnight when Max finally tore herself away from the space needle and headed back to her apartment. It had been a long day, and all she wanted to do was get some rest. She normally did not sleep, but after the day she had had, she felt like she deserved a little rest.  
  
Shortly after Max finally fell asleep, she was jolted awake by the painful realization that a seizure was on its way. She quickly hopped out of bed and raced to the bathroom, hoping to get enough tryptophan in her system to stop the seizure before it started. After she consumed a handful of pills, she sank to the floor and prepared herself for the hell that was ahead.   
  
Ever since she first began having seizures, she had always had flashbacks of the horrible things she was forced to endure at Manticore. When she was just a small child, she would dream of the tests they would run on her and of the siblings she had lost as a result of failed experiments. After she escaped, whenever she would have a seizure, she would always flashback to the night of the escape. She had never really thought about what caused the flashbacks during the seizures; instead, she just always figured they were part of the pain.  
  
Tonight, as she sat on the bathroom floor curled up in a ball, she began to drift off again into another unwelcome flashback, yet she quickly realized that the flashbacks that lay ahead were different from all of the others.   
  
She watched the television in horror. It was him lying there dead in the street. It was the man she had met earlier, who had pleaded with her to help protect that woman and her child. He was lying in a puddle of his own blood, and it was her fault. She could've protected him, but she didn't.  
  
She was jolted back into reality briefly as the tremors subsided. "Why was I dreaming about the day Logan was shot?" She asked herself just as another tremor overtook her.  
  
She stood on the top of the building and watched as a group of men drug Logan out of his wheelchair to the edge of the building. She knew that they were about to force him off the building, and if she did not do something quickly, he was going to fall to his death. Without thinking she grabbed a rope and anchored herself to the building. She ran and did a nosedive off of the top of the building. She held her breath until she felt his hand grab her own.   
  
Once again she was jolted back to the present, yet she did not even have time to question the dream before she experienced another flashback.  
  
As the files fell to the floor, she felt her heart begin to break at the painful realization that Logan was on the other side of town contemplating ending his own life. She raced out of the building and jumped onto her bike and raced across town praying to God, something she couldn't ever remember doing before, that she would make it back to Logan's penthouse in time to stop him from taking his own life. When she arrived at Foggle Towers, she felt her heart stop when she saw the ambulance. She raced up the stairs fighting back tears. As she opened the door, she called out his name. The only response she got was silence. She surveyed the apartment. Her eyes came to rest on Logan's gun, which was sitting out on the table, and it hit her. Her gut feeling had been correct; Logan was going to commit suicide. She turned when she heard the door open. As she rushed over to hug him, she realized how close she had come to losing him.  
  
The tremors subsided for a third time, and she was able to swallow another handful of tryptophan. She could tell that the worst of it was over. She sat there contemplating what had just happened, and again she asked herself the question, "Why did I dream about Logan?" She had been having seizures for as long as she could remember, and the flashbacks had always been Manticore related. As she sat there, she realized that she did not have an answer.  
************************************************************************  
  
  
When she arrived at Foggle Towers, she couldn't remember exactly how she got there, or why she had come. After the seizures subsided, her body had gone into autopilot mode and somehow she had ended up at Logan's penthouse.   
  
It was late and all of the lights were out. She knew Logan was asleep, yet she couldn't bring herself to turn around and go home without checking on him first.  
  
She picked the lock to his apartment like she had done so many times in the past and let herself into the pitch-black apartment. She walked down the hallway to Logan's bedroom. She had promised herself that she was going to take one quick peak to make sure he was okay, and then she was going to go home. When she finally reached Logan's bedroom, she had to smile at the sight before her. Logan had obviously fallen asleep while working on something because the light next to his bed was on, and he was still wearing his glasses. As she walked closer to him, all of the fear she had experienced from earlier came flooding back. She stood there and stared at the sleeping figure in front of her, and she realized how many times she had come close to losing him.   
  
She had originally intended on simply removing his glasses and turning off the lamp then leaving the apartment, but as all of the fear, pain, and sadness overcame her body, she began to feel to uncontrollable urge to lie next to Logan and hold him for the rest of the night. After several moments of trying to unsuccessfully convince herself to just turn around and leave, she gave in to the fear, pain, and sadness and crawled into bed with Logan and fell asleep.  
  
Logan had been aware of Max's presence since the moment she had entered his bedroom. He had decided not to open his eyes and make her aware of the fact that he knew she was there. He had no idea why she was there, but he knew that she would wake him up if the reason for her arrival required it. He was shocked when he felt her lift up the covers and climb into bed with him. Again he thought better of letting her know he was awake. If she wanted to sleep next to him, he was not going to object. Questions could be asked in the morning; tonight he was just going to enjoy having her next to him.   
  
Logan awoke around 8:00 the next morning when he felt the sunlight hit his face. He was smiling to himself about the dream he had last night. In his dream, Max had let herself into his penthouse in the middle of the night and climbed into bed with him without an explanation. He was about to pull himself out of bed and go make breakfast when he realized that there was something laying on top of him. When he finally opened his eyes, he realized that it was not something that was lying on top of him; it was Max.   
  
He sat there for a minute trying to figure out what he should do next. Max had somehow managed to pretty much position herself so that every inch of her body was in contact with his. She had burrowed her head under his chin, and she was holding his hand in hers.   
  
As he lay there staring at the beautiful woman, who had stolen his heart along with many other things, he realized how close he had come to giving up the most amazing thing that had ever happened to him. He had lain awake, after Max left, thinking about the way she reacted when he returned to the penthouse. He had only seen Max cry once before at Bennett's wedding, and he had been shocked when he saw the tears streaming down her face as she hugged him.   
  
He had fallen in love with Max somewhere along the way; he just wasn't sure when. He had wanted to admit his feelings for her so many times, yet he knew that someone like Max could never truly be happy with someone in a wheelchair. When he had gotten out of the wheelchair, everything had changed. He finally felt like he might have a chance with her, but all of those hopes were shattered when he realized that there was a chance he might end up back in the chair. It was that revelation that had driven him over the edge. After seeing the way Max looked at him when he was able to stand, there was no way he could go back to just being her friend in a wheelchair. He knew that he would not be able to stand by and watch some other able-bodied man sweep her off her feet. He had almost lost her to Zack once, but a miracle had brought her back to him. He was afraid that next time he might not be so lucky.   
  
The fear of having to face the day when Max left him had been too much. It was that fear that had driven him to contemplate taking his own life. Lying there with Max in his arms, with the light from the new day spilling over on to his face, he realized how lucky he was. If some divine force had not interfered with his plans the night before, he would not be in the position he was in now. Sure he had no idea what had prompted Max to break into his apartment for the sole purpose of climbing in bed with him, but the knowledge that something had caused her to do so was enough.   
  
Logan had been so lost in his own thoughts that he did not realize that his sleeping beauty had opened her eyes.   
  
Max had been awake for a little while. When she first woke up, it took her a minute to figure out where she was. When it dawned on her that she was in Logan's bed, the events of the night before came flooding back. She still couldn't remember how she ended up at Logan's penthouse. At this point the answer to that question was not nearly as important as how she was going to explain to Logan why she was in his bed.   
  
"Hey." Max said. /Damn. Why am I speaking? I have no idea what I am going to say./  
  
"Hey yourself." Logan replied with a smile on his face.  
  
"Good morning." /Words Max. Find them. Use them. You can't just keep relying on pleasantries. Sooner or later you are going to have to explain./  
  
"Right back at you." Logan said still smiling.   
  
"You want to know why I am here."   
  
"When you are ready to tell me." He could sense that she was working out something in her head, and he did not want to push her. "Why don't we discuss it over breakfast? Or, if you would like, we can not discuss it and just eat breakfast."  
  
"Okay." /For a man who almost shot himself last night, he is awfully happy. At least he let me off the hook. Good thing too. Hell, I still don't know what I am doing here./  
  
"Breakfast it is then. How do pancakes sound?" Logan asked.  
  
"Great."   
  
"Pancakes it is then." Logan proclaimed before trying to get out of bed. Max hadn't shifted positions since she woke up, so she was still lying on top of him, effectively pinning him to the bed.  
  
"Sorry about that." Max said smiling. There was something about waking up with Logan that appealed to her. She quickly rolled over and allowed Logan to get up. As soon as her body lost contact with his, she immediately missed its presence.   
  
"No problem." Logan said as she began to lift himself up out of the bed and into the wheelchair. He too missed the feeling of their bodies touching.   
  
Max watched as Logan positioned himself in his wheelchair. She hadn't realized that he was only wearing boxer shorts until he got out of bed. She couldn't help staring at him as he wheeled himself out of the bedroom into the kitchen. When he left, she rolled herself into the spot on the bed Logan had just left.   
  
As she lay there, she contemplated what to do next. She couldn't believe how amazing Logan was being about this, but she knew that sooner or later he was going to want an explanation. She wondered why she had had flashbacks of all of the times she had come close to losing Logan last night. That had never happened before. Her seizures had always followed the same pattern, and they always revolved around a flashback of Manticore. She knew the seizures were caused by her brain's inability to produce enough seratonine, but the cause of the flashbacks were still a mystery to her.   
  
She was jolted out of her thoughts when she heard Logan holler something from the kitchen.  
  
"What?" She called to him.  
  
"Do you want blueberry or strawberry pancakes?"   
  
"Both." She called back.   
  
"I should have known. Do me a favor and bring me a shirt when you decide to come into the kitchen. It is cold in here."  
  
"Okay." She called back. Another small smile found its way to her lips when she realized that Logan was in the kitchen in his boxer shorts. She decided that she better get out of bed and go face Logan. She grabbed a sweatshirt that was thrown over a chair and headed into the kitchen.  
  
"Heads up." She warned Logan. She was about to throw the shirt at him when she passed the desk that Logan's gun had been laying on the night before. Her eyes came to rest on the spot where the gun had been the night before, and she fell to the floor as her body was overcome with tremors.   
  
When Logan heard her voice, he quickly turned around to face her. He was overcome with fear when he saw her body fall to the floor. Without thinking, he quickly rolled himself into the bathroom to grab the bottle of tryptophan he kept on hand for situations like this, and then he raced back into the living room. He wheeled himself next to Max, and then he lowered himself on the floor beside her. He propped her head up in his lap, opened the bottle of pills, and placed a few in her mouth.   
  
"Max, you've got to swallow." He told her gently. His voice was shaking with fear. He felt a small amount of relief when he felt her swallow. The feeling of relief was short-lived as he felt her body start to shake again.  
  
She knew something was wrong when Bling had answered Logan's phone even though Bling tried to convince her otherwise. She heard the page over the intercom in the background and realized that Logan was in the hospital. At that moment she knew she had to get back to him. She knew that going back to Seattle meant risking her freedom, but it didn't matter. Zack tried to stop her from leaving, but she had made up her mind. When she reached the hospital, she was afraid she was too late when she saw the doctors cleaning up the operating room. When she finally found Logan's room, she was overcome with relief when she saw that he was still alive. When the doctor left, she quickly rolled up her sleeve and began the blood transfusion. Logan wasn't going to get rid of her that easily.   
  
As she felt the tremors ease up a bit, she became aware of Logan speaking to her.  
  
"Wake up Max. You've got to wake up. Don't leave me. I need you. I love you." Max heard Logan say with tears in his voice.   
  
The tremors stopped, and the answers to all of her questions finally hit her. It was fear; fear caused the flashbacks. When she was a child, she would have seizures whenever she was frightened. The fear would cause her brain to stop producing the seratonine it needed to function. The flashbacks were her body's way of dealing with all of the fear and pain she was forced to ignore. After the escape, she had begun to have flashbacks of the escape because her body was dealing with her fear of possibly having to return to Manticore. Tonight she had flashbacks of all the times she had come close to losing Logan because her body needed to deal with her fear of losing the one man, who meant more to her than anything else. He meant more to her than her freedom. Going back to Manticore was no longer her greatest fear, losing Logan was.   
  
"I need you too." She finally uttered.   
  
"Thank God." Logan replied as he leaned down and kissed her forehead.   
  
"I mean it Logan. I need you. I can't lose you. That's why I came back here last night."  
  
"I can't lose you either."   
  
"Last night, after I went home, I had a really bad seizure, but it wasn't like the ones I normally have. Last night I didn't have flashbacks of Manticore. I had flashbacks of all of the times I almost lost you. I flashed back to the day you got shot, then to the night the terrorists threw you off of that building, and finally to last night when I came back to the penthouse to stop you from committing suicide. After the seizure subsided, something in me snapped, and then next thing I knew I was here giving in to the urge to wrap my arms around you all night long. When I woke up this morning, I still had no idea why I had come." Max said with tears streaming down her face.  
  
"Do you know now?" Logan asked.  
  
"Yeah. I came back here because I love you. I don't know how or when it happened, but somewhere along the way I feel in love with you. Somewhere along the way losing you became my greatest fear. I didn't realize it until I came so close to losing you last night."  
  
"Losing you is my greatest fear Max. I was afraid that if I ended up back in the wheelchair, you would realize that I couldn't make you happy. I was so afraid that you would never again look at me the way you looked at me the night I stood up. I was afraid that sooner or later I wouldn't be enough, and you would find someone else." Logan said as he finally allowed all of the emotions that he had been suppressing to finally come out. He pulled Max up against his chest and kissed her before wrapping his arms around her.   
  
As the both sat there holding each other, they finally allowed themselves to deal with their emotions. They held each other and cried. Logan finally allowed himself to mourn the loss of his mobility, and Max finally allowed herself to deal with the pain she had experienced last night.   
  
They sat in silence for a long time with neither of them uttering a word. They were both content to just hold each other and cry.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
